Go careful, Buxton. Next time you step an inch out of line
I'll have you like a bloody shark.
I noticed you had a bit of a shadow on your top lip.
Sylvia has asked me to give her a lift up to Hampstead.
She's been left some house and she wants me to go with her to collect the keys.
How long have I got?
I mean, before...
Oh, Jesus.
That was the estate agent.
He's valued my house at £2.2 million.
Sylvia, will you marry me?
Oh!
"Dear Mrs Fenner,
"I thought you should know that I'm having an affair with your husband."
"Yours, Natalie Buxton."
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace...
I can't get used to being chauffeured to work by my fiancé.
Ah, well, I wish it was only
something rather more worthy of you than this old banger.
I'm quite ashamed.
Anyway, I'll upgrade
as soon as something rather more important gets paid off.
You don't need to wait for that, silly. Let's upgrade now.
We can run it past your finance man when he comes in this afternoon.
Well, we could, but...
No.
No, I think, let's stick to priorities.
I set this meeting up for the wedding, you know.
You can't have the kind of bash that you deserve without funds, can you?
See you at lunchtime, hm?
Don't worry, we'll get the lowest interest rate there is.
Derek's an old friend.
You don't know what it means knowing I'm not on my own anymore, Malcolm.
Now the Julies' so-called salon is up and running,
regardless of how enthusiastic the number one might be about it,
I want to remind you all they've got scissors, nail files,
and all manner of chemicals out there, so watch them like a hawk.
Just here to observe. Treat me as part of the woodwork.
So count and recount equipment at all times
and make sure that all equipment is removed and locked up,
observing protocol to the T.
Why don't we give them all a couple of machine guns
and a rope ladder and be done with it?
I'm sure you'll cope, Sylvia, an officer of your experience.
My concern is the complaints we're getting about poor performance in the G-Wing servery.
Maybe we shouldn't have sacked the Julies.
What about some of you getting involved at mealtimes?
Show the women we know how to muck in and troubleshoot at the same time.
Some of us, Mr Grayling, already have jobs
as Her Majesty's prison officers, not kitchen orderlies.
Yeah, and part of that job is easing tension between staff and inmates.
I'll tell you what, I'll go first. I might enjoy it.
Thank you, Mr Grayling, for your input. Everyone else, unlock.
Every time I turn around he's there,
just looking for an opportunity to undermine me.
He'll trip himself up, Jim.
Just don't let it get you stressed.
Remember what the counsellor said.
You won't be able to perform if you get wound up.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
It's just so hard.
Well, will be if you work on it.
Joan McParland.
Sister Thomas Moore,
if you think you still got the right to call yourself that.
Been stealing from the poor little black babies, haven't you?
It's down here in black and white.
There really isn't anyone you can trust these days.
If you consider stealing...
to be making sure that money raised by generous Christians
actually goes direct to the mission it was intended,
then I'm guilty as charged.
But I rather think that helping the poor and starving of Africa
is more important than lining the pockets of greedy administrators in London.
Don't give me that.
Embezzlement and theft.
You can stand there looking all saintly with your rosary and that getup
but you're worse than a common thief.
Using God to cover up your crimes.
I see you've made up your mind about me and I'm sorry about that.
But I'm prepared to spend six months serving the state's punishment
if it is God's will.
He knows righteousness, and He is the only judge I bow before.
Tell me, what do I have to do?
"What do I have to do, Miss?"
You can get out of that thing for a start.
For all I know, you've got a six months' supply of heroin under there.
- Is this all you've got? - It's all I need.
It's a charity blanket. I've been working on it for weeks now.
It's to raise money for AIDS victims.
Raise money for your offshore bank account, more like.
Store it.
Plus, who knows how many swingers could be made out of that lot.
It's a security risk.
Please. I have a duty, Miss Holloway.
Hollamby!
And the only duty you have is to get behind here...
and strip.
Arun, shall I fetch you something to eat? You missed breakfast.
If you're really feeling ill, I should take you to see the doctor.
No, sir. It's... it's just my period cramps.
Sometimes I get them really badly.
Oh, I see. Well, I'll...
I'll get the nurse to drop you off a couple of painkillers, shall I?
I don't like taking pills, Mr Hedges.
But do you know what would really help?
A hot bath. Do you think I'd be allowed?
Yes, of course.
Give me five minutes. I'll see what I can do.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Frank has excelled himself this time.
That should fetch a good few bottles of vodka from Denise,
and if there's any spare,
we can give fatso half a bottle to shut her up.
Oh, hello, Mr Grayling.
Oh, shit, Grayling.
Morning, Tina.
Ladies.
Ah, hard at work, I see.
Well, I've come to see how you're settling into your new job.
I know Tina is an old hand,
but, well, perhaps you could take me through your daily routine.
To be honest, sir, we're only just getting used to it.
- It is terribly complicated. - Oh, and we thank God for Tina.
I mean, she is such an expert, and she has been so patient with us.
Yeah, but Tina has only one pair of hands.
So I've come along to lend you mine while you're still on the learning curve.
- There's no... - No, please. Honestly, there's no...
No, come on. Let's leave Tina to deal with the rest of the wing
and you can show me what's back there in preparation for the lunches.
And the rest.
- Bra. - I wear an undervest.
Well, let's have that, then.
If you've finished with my clothes, I'd like to get dressed now.
Well, you can't be going on the wing in this getup.
You won't last a day.
I've worn the habit for 40 years. I don't intend to change now.
Did you see that?
I don't recall seeing this on today's menu.
Well, actually, sir, we made it.
You two made this?
For Mrs Hollamby. You do know that she's getting married?
- Yeah, but... - She is our personal officer, sir.
It is a very special relationship.
Now, tell me the truth.
Is that why you have neglected your other servery duties?
Perhaps we have been a bit preoccupied.
But it's... it's finished now.
Yeah, well, it's a nice gesture, I suppose.
Look, I'll make sure she gets it, yeah?
Just try and show the same kind of effort in your jobs from now on.
Shit.
Bugger.
How you feeling now, Arun?
Much better, thank you, sir.
Okay. Well, hurry it up then, please.
Oh, no!
Sorry?
Oh, nothing, sir. I'm just talking to myself.
Oh, no, shit.
Shit.
Oi, you're the screws' new tea slave, aren't you?
All right. Well, I need you to put this in their office, somewhere nice and obvious.
Just do it.
I do not believe it.
They can't lock a bleeding nun up.
Must be my birthday or something.
Didn't know you was religious, Nat.
I'm not.
I was taught by one of those cows at school.
Looks like I'm about to get my own back.
You make the bed up yourself.
Not very holy, is it?
But then neither are you by all accounts.
You'll just have to make the best of it.
I've spent most of my life in a room far smaller than this, Miss Hoolahan.
Hollamby.
With far fewer luxuries. I shall be perfectly comfortable, thank you.
Yes, well.
You haven't exactly got God's children for neighbours, so don't get too excited.
We're all God's children.
It's lunch in half an hour.
So you can judge for yourself if He's wasted His time on that lot out there.
- Oi, Nunny. - Can I help you?
I just thought I'd introduce myself.
And...
may I say, your manners are impeccable.
I'm top dog,
and this is my bitch.
I feel sorry for you. You must be very lonely.
Yeah?
Well, I'm gonna be visiting you on a regular basis from now on.
You don't know what suffering is, my dear. You didn't hurt me in the slightest.
Maybe I'm a little bit out of practice.
You don't think they've put something in it, do you?
What, and then handed it to the number one to give it to you?
They're not that stupid.
No, I'm just surprised, that's all.
I mean, I knew they respected me.
But to take the time to bake me a cake.
- You're too cynical, Sylvia. That's your problem. - I suppose.
Still, they can't seriously think I'll use it at the wedding.
I mean, the one I've ordered is three tiers and six times the size.
Oswyn and Tull don't exactly have the resources that your exclusive bakery does.
I think that's a remarkable achievement as it is.
Oh, I'm not being ungrateful.
I'll share it out with the inmates at lunchtime. Show them I appreciate it.
Cake?
Courtesy of Oswyn and Tull, in honour of my upcoming nuptials.
- Thank you. - I really am very touched, ladies.
Bet that old lezzer's got herself banged up on purpose.
Fresh meat, eh?
Mind your mouth, girl. She's a woman of the Lord.
Yes, and they're all dykes.
That's why you lock yourselves away from men your entire life.
With a lifetime supply of candles to keep you company.
That's disgusting.
Why don't you leave her alone? She ain't never done nothing to you.
She's right. You can't talk like that.
Thank you for your help, but please...
don't get involved on my behalf.
She's clearly disturbed.
You dress up like a penguin and tell everyone you're married to Jesus, and I'm nuts?
Shut it, Buxton.
I prefer to call it a personality disorder.
Well done, Sister.
It's about time someone stood up to that bitch.
Sorry.
I'll save these for me and Mal...
Dr Nicholson.
And thank you again. You've really made my day.
Fat cow.
There's a seat here, Sister.
Thank you, dear. Ooh...
You've hurt your face.
Yeah, it's just a scratch.
It's so lovely to have a Sister in here.
Oh, I mean obviously...
not that, I mean, you'd rather...
- I'm a Catholic, you see. - Are you?
Well...
we could pray together, then.
I would love that.
Come off me cake, man.
Shh. Look, I'm doing you a favour.
We made this cake for Bodybag so we had to put a few little extras in it.
I didn't know she was going to be dishing out to you lot.
Sister Thomas.
Governor Grayling.
Obviously, there's a lot for you to take in on your first day.
I've been made welcome by some of the girls, Mr Grayling,
God bless them.
Still, I think we should have a little chat in my office.
When you've finished your lunch.
He's making a fool of himself, Jim, not you.
Swanning round the wing like a virus,
when he knows damn fine it's your job, and so do the rest of us.
I mean, it's a pack of lies, obviously.
But anyone could have opened that.
Hey, come on.
We've both had poison-pen letters. I am sure there'll be plenty more to come.
You mustn't let her see it get to you. That's what she wants.
We should go straight to Neil. This is a serious disciplinary matter.
Don't be stupid. He's dying to get one over on me.
And Buxton can lie for Europe.
No, you said it yourself, I'm the wing governor.
I'll sort her out.
I hope so.
And you make sure she knows she's gone too bloody far.
Don't you worry, love.
If she thinks she can play you off against me, she's got another thing coming.
Oi.
In your cell. Now.
Now, you listen to me, you little tart.
You think you can come between me and my wife?
Well, I've shat cleverer slags than you and wiped my ass with them after.
Oh, you are a gent.
You want to see how much of a gent I really am? You keep going.
Get off of me.
Okay, I shouldn't have done it.
But I was upset. She has been threatening me.
I'm telling you, she's got it in for me.
You've got it in for yourself, love. You've just lost yourself all your privileges.
And as for that weekend out, you can forget it.
I mean...
what the hell were you playing at?
Did you really think an officer was gonna take the word
of some slapper con with a record for lying?
I'm telling the truth.
But then she doesn't have to take my word for it.
What are you talking about?
I've got everything I need
all over the underwear I was wearing when we last met.
Oh, don't worry. I've put it somewhere really safe.
Just in case.
Oh, come on, Mr Fenner.
Surely you've heard of Monica Lewinsky?
Just keep your head down. Don't rise to any bait.
And with good behaviour, you'll be out in about three months.
Though, somehow, I can't see you being a troublemaker.
I appreciate your faith in me, sir.
But I believe that everything has a purpose.
I'm sure I'll learn a lot during my time here and...
God willing, become a stronger person for it.
- I'm not alone, you see. - Good.
That's a very good attitude.
All I really want to do is work hard,
help where I can, and finish sewing my charity blanket.
I promised to donate it to the little sisters of the poor
to help raise funds for AIDS victims in Africa.
But it fell behind when I went to court,
and, well, I'd hate to let them down.
Oh, that sounds great, Sister.
In fact, it's just the kind of thing I'm keen to promote in here.
Perhaps some of the women could help you.
Do you really think so?
It would be wonderful to think that I could catch up.
Except that it was taken from me when I came in
by a lady officer, Miss Hathaway, Holiday? Dumpy, late fifties?
Well, I can't see any reason why you shouldn't borrow
on substantial assets like yours.
You've plenty in the old porridge pot. Hey, hey.
Have you taken account of the inheritance tax I'm liable for?
My aunt's solicitor keeps banging on about it.
I wouldn't worry about that too much.
It says here that you've agreed to settle in part
by the sale of your aunt's other assets. Stocks, shares.
And the rest you just leave to me to work out.
We'll add a little percentage on the top
to drip down and take care of any niggles
during the course of the repayment period.
You see, Derek's going to...
he's going to design a package specifically for your needs.
Absolutely. That's what I'm here for, to get you past all the red tape.
Now, on the strength of your independent valuation
and my long relationship with Malcolm on the golf course,
my organisation is prepared to lend you up to 500.
- 500? - Thousand.
That's marvellous, Derek.
Well, we'll need it, given Sylvia's big plans for the wedding.
Just the usual repayment conditions, my commission, etc.
So give it a quick look,
and Bob's your father's brother.
Didn't I tell you he was good?
Well?
Apparently it wasn't her who wrote the bloody thing.
Come on, Jim, you said yourself she's a liar. Who else would it be?
Well, she's not exactly popular, is she?
Seriously, Di, I went in there ready to throw the book at her to defend my wife,
but I honestly reckon she didn't know what the hell I was talking about.
I can't believe you're gonna let her off with it.
Of course I'm not letting her off with it, but I've got to be clever.
Now she's banging on about false allegations and the rest.
I'm the wing governor, love. I can't punish her without evidence.
Especially if she's denying it. Grayling will have a field day.
Hey, come on, chin up. We've just got to be careful, that's all.
We can't let the fact that we're happily married affect our professional judgement, yeah?
Okay, quiet, everyone. Quiet.
What the hell is he doing now?
Sister Thomas here is stitching a charity blanket
to raise money for AIDS victims in Africa.
And as time is money,
I said that I'd ask for volunteers to help her get it finished.
I'll help.
- We're a dab hand with the needle, aren't we, Ju? - Yeah, we'll do it for charity.
- Yeah, we'll help out. - I'll have a go.
- Yeah, cool. - And me.
- Oh, please. - Great.
Well, you can make a start this evening. Mr Fenner will arrange the equipment.
Thank you.
Hey. This is my wing.
You should have run it past me first.
I shouldn't have to.
And if you'd had any initiative, you'd have thought of it yourself.
Are you pulling my poodle?
We thought you'd be pleased.
But it looks like you've got these out of the bin.
Well, I can't flog these.
You can have your vodka when you bring me more stuff.
It's only what we agreed.
Fine, if you dare risk going back inside with half a distillery up your jumper.
It's a much harsher punishment
than if you're found with a bit of cake.
Shit!
Look, we let you down, Denise.
It's only fair that we should take the risk.
And we do have our own little Trojan horse right here.
We'll make sure you get your reward as soon as the baker's van arrives tomorrow.
Oh, God, we give thanks to Governor Grayling that he has mercy
and respect for the blanket that will help so many.
- Amen. - Amen.
Come in.
- Oi, careful. - I can't see.
You're welcome, both of you.
This is for your praying.
Oh, well, thank you.
Can we join in then?
Are you Catholics?
I don't know.
Does it matter?
Technically, me a Rasta.
But me lapsed.
It's not like joining Weight Watchers, girls.
Yeah.
You have to prove yourselves.
There's a lot of hard work involved.
But if you recognise that and embrace His challenge,
I can help you.
# Joy in my heart, keep me praising
# Give me joy in my heart, I pray
# Give me joy in my heart, keep me praising
# Keep me praising till the break of day #
What happened to your face, girl? You have a rash?
Um, it must be the prison soap. I've got super sensitive skin.
Here, give us it here.
Oh, ta. It's my bloody eye. It still goes blurry.
Oh, poor kid. Had an accident with a pencil. Ain't been right since.
May I have a look?
What?
Daft cow reckons she's a doctor as well as a nun.
Bloody hell.
I can see.
Come on, get over it.
No, I ain't joking. I really can.
Holy shit.
What, just like that?
Yeah, right!
And for her next trick, she's gonna pull a rabbit out of Tina's arse.
Rude.
Are there any more nuns out there we can recruit?
I know. I haven't heard a swear word for an hour. It's incredible.
Ladies.
This is Casey.
He's a photographer with our prison newspaper, Prison Talk.
Now, they're very interested in doing a story
about your help with Sister Thomas's charity project.
And I said that you wouldn't mind posing for a picture.
- Wicked. - Excellent!
Have I got time to do my makeup?
I'd rather bow out, Governor Grayling.
Let the ladies take centre stage.
I feel uncomfortable taking credit for their hard work.
Yeah, but the story's about what you brought to the wing.
Doesn't really make sense if you're not in the picture, does it?
Just smile and it'll all be over.
Great.
You're looking a bit sad all on your own.
People finally realised you're a nasty piece of work, then?
Well, at least your husband doesn't seem to think so.
He knows exactly what you are, Buxton.
An evil shit-stirrer.
Yeah?
Is that why he let me off writing you that letter?
Say "parole"!
Parole!
Well, I can't ask the prison doctor, can I? It's not exactly standard medication.
And if anyone found out...
Please, Steve, just bring them when you visit.
Hide them in your shoes or something.
All right, ladies! You have five minutes to fill up your flasks and clear up.
I don't know how much longer I can last in here.
I'm serious.
I mean, if I get discovered in here, I am dead meat!
- Sleep well, Sis. - God bless you, Sister Thomas.
Thanks for all you did for me.
You're a bloody saint.
Come on. She's just winding you up. Don't you get it?
You are supposed to be standing up for me, not Buxton.
Every time I turn around she's got that smug grin on her face
that looks as if she's got one up on me. I can't stand it.
How can she have one up on you? She's got years inside.
Just ignore her.
What do you think?
A little wedding present for Malcolm.
Going through it quick enough, aren't you?
She wouldn't take no for an answer.
Do you want to see the interior? It's top notch.
You wanna make sure you keep some of your inheritance for yourself, Sylv.
It's only down to Malcolm that we've been able to spend some of it.
He's got us invaluable financial advice,
and he's going to invest it wisely for the future.
Is he just? It's starting to sound like it's his money.
Well, it is, isn't it? As much as it's mine.
We've set up a joint bank account.
We're getting married on Saturday, Di.
I don't want Malcolm to feel like a kept man.
He's got his pride.
Yeah, that's not the only thing he's got, by the sounds of it.
It's called trust, Di.
Between husband and wife.
I imagine it's the same for you and Jim.
- That is fantastic. Yeah. - It comes out, it does it all.
Good morning, Mr Fenner.
Little peace offering.
Very tasteful.
It's lucky as I'm a pair of knickers down.
Oh, come on. Don't be like that.
I was only teasing.
Well,
give me back the pair you've been threatening me with, then.
Well, I can't, can I?
That's my insurance policy against your nutty wife.
You and her have got all the power in here.
This is one way I can look after myself.
Course it is.
Jim, I don't wanna use it.
And I reckon if it stays like this, I won't have to.
'Cause we both know who you'd choose if I was on the outside.
Remember, I've got 11 years left.
Less if I'm a good girl.
No.
11 years.
Can you imagine what Mrs Fenner is gonna look like by then?
And you don't even have to wait for me.
I'm already here.
Well, stop breaking my balls, then, eh?
Tell you what might help.
My weekend out.
I'll see what I can do.
Just lay off Di, will you?
You're driving her crazy.
I brought you some breakfast, dear.
You won't get better on an empty stomach.
Thank you,
but I'm not hungry.
Is something bothering you?
You can tell me, Arun.
Whatever it is, our Lord already knows. You just have to ask for His help.
I can't.
- Hello, Sister. - Mr Hedges.
Do you want me to postpone your visit this afternoon if you're not feeling up to it?
No! Please, Mr Hedges, it's the only thing that's keeping me going.
And I'll be fine, I promise.
Relax. I was only checking.
Now, since it's your first visit, I'll have to take you through the procedure.
Okay?
Thank you.
Done.
Isn't it beautiful?
I can't believe we've done it.
It looks dead professional and all.
I think maybe the Lord did some stitching when we were sleeping.
No, it was you girls.
All of you kind, clever, wonderful friends.
Oh, Sister!
Oh, bless.
Jim, can I knock off an hour early this afternoon?
Only I have to go to the solicitor's
and sign the final papers to transfer my aunt's property into my name.
Go on, then. But don't tell anyone else, eh?
Thanks, Jim. I really appreciate it.
You're gonna have to get used to having a boss that actually looks after his staff, Sylv.
Family, is it?
No, it's just a close friend.
But I know it's just what I need to give me a boost.
Well, that's all visits are for, Arun. I just hope it puts a smile on your face.
Oh, it will, sir, believe me.
# Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya #
Oh, my God.
Get off of each other, you bunch of dykes!
And please stop singing. You're gonna make me feel sick.
You ain't got no soul.
And you've got no dignity.
Look at you all. It's pathetic.
And why are you still sucking up to her? I thought at least you'd know better.
No, she's all right, Nat. You should give her another chance.
I should give her another kicking.
But if it bothers you that much, I'll settle for a couple of her things.
I want you to get me that cross from around her neck.
Looks like it's solid silver, if you ask me.
What, her crucifix?
Yes, her crucifix.
And those...
rosary bead things she's always pissing about with.
Get me those as well.
No.
No way.
And you try to steal from her yourself, and you'll be sorry.
I beg your pardon?
Leave her alone, I'm saying.
If you're pissed off, you can stick another needle in my eye.
It don't matter. She'll only make it better.
'Cause she has got the power of Jesus in her.
I need a word. It's important.
Just sit there. I'll be right back, okay?
Pretty, isn't it?
I bet you didn't know your husband had such good taste.
Matching knickers as well, bless him.
You what?
I don't suppose he bothers buying you expensive underwear, though.
You're a more practical type of girl, aren't you?
I didn't peg you for being stupid.
But at least that explains why you've been so miserable lately.
What?
It's no fun withdrawing, Arun.
Well, you'll come out the other end...
but you won't get another visit for a very long time.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Your boyfriend was searched.
They found the drugs.
Sir, it's only medication.
You can check, it's legal.
Is that why he was hiding it in his sock, is it?
You get your meds from the prison MO. You know that.
Come on. You just booked yourself a room on the punishment block.
No, sir, I can't. Please.
Well, you should have thought about that before you abused my trust.
How long do I have to stay here?
Until your adjudication, and then it's up to the wing governor.
Please, sir.
Can I just see Sister Thomas?
I need to make a confession.
I'll see what I can do.
What does she actually have to do to make you punish her?
That's the whole point, Di. She hasn't done anything.
Look, she's trying to provoke us into acting unprofessionally.
If you can't take a bit of transparent piss-taking, you're in the wrong job.
And so far piss-taking is all Buxton's guilty of.
- But she has just... - Right! That's it, I've had it!
Now, look, I'm talking to you as your wing governor and not your husband.
This is starting to look like harassment from your end now.
If she breaks the rules, I'll come down on her hard.
Until then, I don't want to hear another word!
Got to fill out a report. Arun Parmar.
Just rumbled her dealer.
- Parmar? - I know. She doesn't seem the type, does she?
It's always the quiet ones, eh?
I know it's not strictly said rules, but she's asking for Sister Thomas.
I'm gonna be a bit tied up with this.
Could you escort her down the block during association?
We're out of priests. She almost fits the bill.
I know who I'd like to escort down the block.
Goodness.
You're very kind, but I do feel rather ashamed of such vanity.
Oh, rubbish.
There's nothing wrong with being pampered every now and then.
Especially when you spend so much of your time looking out for everyone else.
Yeah. And this one's on us, Sister. Don't you even think about paying.
I hear you have breast cancer, Julie.
Well, yeah.
Well, had.
I hope.
I shall pray to St Jude for your continuing health.
Who's he, then? A healer?
He's the patron saint of desperate situations.
But despair will be met by love and St Jude will bring comfort
if she who prays truly asks for forgiveness.
There you are.
Mr Hedges wants you to go and see Arun Parmar in the punishment block before lockup.
- The block? - The block?
Yes, the block. Not that it's got anything to do with you.
She's been a silly girl, and apparently she's asked to see you.
Oh, no! She can't go in the middle of her treatment.
All right, then...
you finish what you're doing, Sister, and then come and find me.
I'll escort you.
We'll just give you a quick moisturise,
then you can go off, all right?
You know, Arun...
there's something wrong with her.
She's always holed up in her cell or down the showers.
I think she's got that obsessive impulsive thing.
You know, like she's always scrubbing herself down.
And half the time her little face is red raw. It ain't right.
And I've got the original deeds here somewhere,
which obviously you'll need if you're going to sell.
Oh, I won't be selling.
I've moved in already.
Oh.
Sorry, Mrs Hollamby, I gave you the keys so you could assess the property,
but you shouldn't have moved in until we completed the paperwork.
Oh. Slap my wrist, then.
But I didn't want to spend another month's rent on my old place.
And my fiancé and I wanted to move in together as soon as possible.
Fiancé?
But you said you were widowed. I'm sure you said...
I'm remarrying.
It does happen, even at my age.
Oh, dear.
Oh, I should have gone over this before,
but I didn't think you'd be acting so hastily.
What?
Gone over what?
It's the will.
There are a couple of clauses I think you should look at.
Why?
What the bloody hell does it matter to her? She's dead!
Well, I'm very sorry, Mrs Hollamby,
but your aunt's wishes weren't for me to question.
She was of sound mind, and she knew your husband had died.
I...
Well, perhaps it was because she thought
that you wouldn't need her help if you remarried,
or wanted to keep the property strictly in the family.
Rubbish!
She's the same as the rest of that lot. Believe me!
Think they can turn the whole world lesbian.
Well, let me tell you now!
She won't change me!
Well, that may be, but the will is clear.
In the event of your remarriage,
her estate is bequeathed to the several charities of her choice.
Oh!
15 minutes, girls. I'll be right outside.
That's it, dear. Let it out.
Maybe we can do Mrs Hollamby's wedding.
Yeah, except I don't think we've got enough foundation
to cover up them broken veins round her snout.
Sorry, but it's true though, innit?
And as for her hair, well, we don't stock yellow.
Where's number five?
Big scissors.
Well, they was lying round here somewhere.
Only used them a couple of hours ago.
Oh, come on, sir. We ain't going to shaft ourselves, are we?
Who else has been in here today?
It wasn't drugs.
I mean it was, but not like that.
I don't even smoke.
And I said that they should check, but now I hope they don't.
Because then they'll know.
Know what, child?
They'll know what I really am.
Do you love God, Arun?
Yeah, I do.
Then you have nothing to worry about.
You're a good Catholic
and a kind girl.
If you have a dependence...
That's just it, Sister.
I'm not a girl.
Young woman, then.
Those pills were hormone pills.
Female hormones.
Forgive me, but I don't understand.
Two years ago,
I had a penis.
I was born a boy, Sister,
but I always felt like a woman inside.
And now I am one.
But without my pills...
Can you imagine what those people are gonna do to me
when they find me with a beard and a moustache?
Keep your filthy hands off my knickers, you pervert.
Get downstairs with the others.
- What's going on? - Well, surprise, surprise.
Someone's lifted a pair of scissors from the salon.
If you lot had been doing your job properly...
Sir, we found them.
The lining of the mattress.
What? Me?
- No, hang on a minute... - Don't tell me you wanted to cut your toenails.
- Jesus! - No, wait a minute.
I have been stitched up here, I swear!
Right, Kerrigan. Better start packing.
You're on the night train. You're being shipped out.
What? My transfer application has been accepted?
With a little help from yours truly.
And believe me, the pleasure was all mine.
I can't wait to see the back of you.
To Larkhall?
I'm going to Larkhall?
Poor bastards. They don't know what they're in for.
But I'll tell you what.
I'm off to celebrate.
Adios, Kerrigan.
Missing you already.
I've got to punish you.
No, if I get done for this,
those knickers come out of hiding and straight to the police.
For heaven's sakes, you've got to come clean!
He said he wouldn't live in sin,
and I don't want to lose him.
All right, everybody stay back!